Battlemouth

A few weeks ago Apple opened the App Store for those of us lucky enough to own an iPhone or iPod Touch so we could add all sorts of fun applications to our devices. Sure the iPod Touch owners had to drop $10 to get the software update but it was all worth it to be able to amp up the functions of our iPod (I think…). Apple ended up offering some really awesome apps such as Remote and Twitterific, but with these gems came their sorta special inbred cousins that may or may not need to wear an eye patch. Here we will go over the real stand out useless apps of the bunch. Now don’t get me wrong, useless does not mean bad, just means utterly useless. They do just as they claim, no more, no less, and they’re pleased with what they are. Behold! The 10 most useless iphone apps!

Bubble Wrap - Load up this app and a sheet of bubble wrap appears on your screen. Touch the bubbles and they make a popping noise. Run out of bubbles to pop? Load up another sheet and pop some more! Want to do anything other than pop bubble wrap? Too damn bad, this is bubble wrap and popping bubbles is all it can do.

iQuran - “All this music and these videos on my iPod are so boring, why cant I listen to someone recite the complete Quran??” Well now you can thanks to iQuran! Load up iQuran and listen to your favorite Quran Reciters do their thing. I mean cause people that care enough to listen to the Quran wouldn’t already own a copy and as we all know, with the Quran portability is key!

More Cowbell - Need more cowbell? Well you got it right here. Load up More Cowbell and give your iPod a shake *clank* ah the sweet soulful sounds of a big tin bell meant to keep track of cattle. After a long day of work I love to give the ol’ cowbell a few shakes to ease the nerves.

Sim Stapler - Love stapling? But due to a Government order you’re not allowed within 50 feet of one? Well here is your solution, there is a little stapler on the screen, press on it and bam stapled! staple all sorts of things, staple things with staples in them to each other. The staple-bilities are endless!

Bible - Nearly as cool as iQuran but they weren’t hip enough to add a lowercase vowel before it. Everyone knows baby Jesus prefers iBible! Read your favorite LOL excerpts from everyone’s favorite New York Times best seller.

iPint - AA meetings got you down? Load up iPint and impress your friends with your uncanny ability of drinking fake beers. iPint turns the screen of your iPod into a beer that can swish and sway as you move it. Tilt is back and glug glug glug, feel like going on a real bender? Load up as many beers as you want! How long till we get iRoofie?

Spell Number - Pesky letters getting in the way of spelling your favorite numbers? With spell number just type in the digits you want and like magic on the screen will be how to spell the number you just created. This app really gives Apple customers no credit, I mean who cant spell “sevin” or “ate” !

Yes/No - For those of us that hate making decisions or the consequences tied to them. Yes/No will display either yes or no randomly forever relieving you of any responsibilities or need to have morals. If only Two Face had this app he wouldn’t have had to do all that unnecessary thumb flicking. Warning saying the iPod told you to rob an orphanage will not hold up in a court of law.

Moo - Remember those cylinders that you’d tilt and they’d make a zombie cow noise or something along the lines of a monkey being strangled? Now you can do that with your iPod over and over and over again and wont have to worry about annoying the hell out of someone. I personally was always a fan of shaking it really fast so it would sound like a Chipmunk on a bad LSD trip.

Holy Sword - Almost as cool as Bible except this version is entirely in Chinese. I love me a good Chinese Bible session from time to time. Who would’ve thought Apple’s Devices would become Holy Script storage devices. I always assumed the Catholic church were Zune users.

There they are in their useless glory! Did I mention every app featured in this post is free? So you can download and enjoy them just as much as I have! I mean there has got to be a market for these apps somewhere, right?