Battlemouth

FABLE 2 just got some new downloadable content this week. “See the Future” is cheaper than its predecessor “Knotthole Island” by 300-ish points…if you ask me…the shit should have been free…because it SUCKED.
SO you get the content, and the first thing you do is run to the Bowerstone Docks to find that Murgo bastard who sold you and your sister that magic box at the very beginning of the game. He hooks you up with “A Snowglobe” and a couple other random stupid things. The helmet and coat he gives you resemble something like the Royal Canadian Dragoon dress uniforms….ya UBER-LAME. You also get some new make-up (lame) and a couple hair-cuts (also lame). When you “use” the Snowglobe its takes you to a cleverly named little place called……Snowglobe……..seriously……

In what could only be described as a stroke of genius…minus the genius… you find that the town has had all of its color stolen!!!!! OH NO! The bad guys harassing the villagers (a total of maybe 30 guys throughout the whole quest?) are the only things with color. Essentially it looks like some lazy, half-assed rendering. Blue, red, and yellow baddies, and suddenly upon arrival your Melee weapon turns bright blue, your ranged bright yellow, and of course the magic buttons turn red upon charging…. Ya you do the math. I cant even remember what you get for saving the town…see it was so lame I FORGOT. I know at one point in the bottom of this dungeon (in Snowglobe) I found this chest that said “You may not search this chest until you return the color to Snowglobe.” So I returned after returning the color (just typing that makes me more angry…so lame) and opened the chest, and got A POTION….just a lame health potion….OUTRAGED. All together it took me about 30 minutes from the time I downloaded until I finished the first part. Part 2 you receive a “Cursed Skull” from Murgo and upon using it arrive in a cemetery where you have to acquire the costumes of a Hollow-man (one of the few cool things you get to keep although it gives no bonus), and a couple other stupid npc’s costumes…excluding the hollow-man outfit the others look pretty much like really poorly done Disney Characters, and the only reason you put these on is so you can make faces at statues of those animals so that they will open a gate! I really just cannot begin to convey how angry all this made me….

The only positives I will give the DLC at all is: 1. The Arena you are given access to at the end is sort of fun, a good way to power level up your skills…HOWEVER….the prizes suck….and its timed…..why can’t I just go to the Arena that is already available for me to play in the game?…you remember…the one you get achievements for playing? The front page of Lionhead.com has a big quote that says “Transform Your Canine Companion Into New Breeds!”….Um thanks but I am evil, I took the money, my dog and sister are still dead….AND even if my dog was alive…the most sinister looking thing I can turn him into is a husky…a fucking SLED-DOG…how about Kujo, a freaking Doberman, at least a Chihuahua would be funny! Lionhead seriously, who the hell is coming up with this HORSESHIT? I really hope Molyneux had nothing to do with it or he may have to lose some “Renown” in my gamer-world.

And now the worst of ALL… *SPOILER*… the *Future* that you get to see…almost isn’t even worth mentioning…first of all it has NOTHING AT ALL to do with a possible Fable 3. You meet Theresa in the Spire again, and she shows you an image of the Future…You…as King (or queen I suppose) in a super lame King type outfit, with a lame crown (really the stuff just looks gay, especially if you are a huge muscly evil dude with horns) walking past your soldiers and subjects until you reach your throne. Then she says Oh but wait that’s not all…the future is actually this…and shows a kid in a crib…”One that hasn’t been born yet” she says.
TO WHICH I REPLY…well Theresa, you are going to be the one to magically track down my 10 or 11 bastards running about Albion because I have like 7 wives and I worked hard to make as many bastards as possible….and now you expect me to tell them they all are not as important as this other kid…that I haven’t had yet… that gets the Kingdom? Not to mention that fact that now all my wives are going to think its them that is having that kid! GREAT…AWESOME….THANKS….

So ya, “See the Future” blows my ass…in the time you have taken to read this I probably could be halfway through the whole content. Its rare that the more I play a game the less I like it, especially for a game that I start out LOVING…Lionhead, you have seriously let down, I don’t even want to know what you are going to try for next….but it is going to have to be a miracle to save this steaming pile of shite.