Battlemouth

If you read comics then you are no stranger to the “Team-Up”. Team-up’s are pretty self explanatory, in a team-up issue or series, we get to see what would happen if two of your favorites were to get together and fight their collective enemies. Think of it like a sort of “enemy of my enemy is my friend” kind of thing. I got to thinking the other day that I think it would be much more fun to see what would happen if your favorite supes got together and kicked the shit out of each other. It is in the spirit of that idea that I have started this new series entitled “Versus”, in which I will analyze exactly what I think would happen if said match-up’s were to happen. With that said…enjoy this first post…

I have a feeling that Thor could pretty much kick Superman’s ass.

Hear me out.

I will grant that Superman is stronger, faster, and more impervious to damage than Thor, to say nothing of his heat vision and minty fresh breath. But Thor has centuries of battle experience, a proverbial bag of weather and dimensional tricks, and a big fucking stone hammer. Plus, let’s face it – Thor is cooler.

I have nothing against Superman. I’m an American – I love Superman! If you don’t like Superman you are probably an Al Qaeda operative or something. But come on: Thor. Thor, man!

I can accept that the rather juvenile “THOR RULEZ SUPERMAN BLOWS” argument isn’t really valid. That’s like saying a Star Destroyer could defeat the Next Generation Enterprise because it looks cooler. While that may be true, one has to be able to back up one’s statement with some sort of credible nerdy argument. For instance, a Star Destroyer would totally crush the Enterprise-D because it has all those TIE fighters and a million six laser cannon – it would just swarm over the Enterprise which can fire like, one phaser shot every five minutes or so and would be too preoccupied with trying to hail the Star Destroyer and make friends to put up much of a fight.

OK, let’s break down the argument for and against Thor kicking Superman’s ass:

Superman is stronger – No argument here, but he can’t be that much stronger. Pre-Crisis Superman could shift planetary orbits and all kinds of crazy shit, but once John Byrne relaunched him in Man of Steel, he’s considerably less powerful. Still, Superman beats Thor in arm wrestling. ADVANTAGE: SUPERMAN

Superman is faster – Since DC periodically makes Superman race The Flash and he can do tricks like catch bullets, I’ll give Superman the advantage here. However, DC writers routinely overlook his super speed so I don’t see why I shouldn’t as well. DRAW

Superman has heat vision, icy breath – Superman routinely forgets that he has these powers and would fail to use them effectively in a fight against Thor. Superman should write all his powers down on his forearm with permanent ink so he doesn’t forget. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Superman can fly – So can Thor! Ah, but Superman can fly on his own, whereas Thor flies by hurling his enchanted hammer Mjolnir through the air and holding on for dear life. Superman has to be faster and more maneuverable in mid-air than Thor. ADVANTAGE: SUPERMAN

Thor has more combat experience – First of all, he’s a Norse god. Vikings think he’s bad ass – that’s gotta count for something. Second, Thor has been alive for centuries, if not millennia. I’m sure he’s got Hammer Kata down to an art by now. Superman is in his mid-thirties and was raised in a quiet Kansas town. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Thor can control weather and shit – While I’m guessing that it would take more than a little gust of wind to blow Superman over, I’ll bet a bolt of Asgardian lightning would stagger him a little. Still, that wouldn’t make much of a difference in a fight. DRAW

Thor has a weapon – In a bar fight, who would you choose: Huge Dude or Slightly Less Huge Dude with a Hammer? I rest my case. Superman’s showing up empty handed to a mallet fight. ADVANTAGE: THOR

Thor is magic – Here’s the big kicker. Thor, but more specifically Thor’s hammer, is magical. Superman is vulnerable to three things: kryptonite, magic, and the cheese steak sandwiches they serve in the lobby deli of the Daily Planet. He can’t resist those things. Anyway, not only does Thor have a big frickin’ hammer, but it’s 100% Uru Magic, and it can shoot energy blasts. Forget about it. ADVANTAGE: THOR

As you can see, Thor edges out Superman in a combat situation. There are some mitigating factors – Has Thor been drinking? Would innocents be in danger from the fight? Has Superman had more than one cheese and kryptonite steak sandwich? But more often than not, the God of Thunder doth reign supreme over the Man of Steel.

Aye, verily.