Battlemouth

Like many others, I have been sitting and waiting patiently for the metrosexual vampire trend to bleed out and die. Sadly, with the legions of Twitards bombarding cinemas, there is no end in sight. There seems to be a new trend cutting through the darkness, however, making vampire bodies everywhere glitter. In 2010, I believe we are entering the era of the gods.

This year we embark on a journey into the world of various mythological gods–most notably, the characters from Greek mythology. With two major films in the works for 2010, including Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and a remake of The Clash of the Titans, Zeus and company should have a strong presence in the movie theaters near you. Also, with Kenneth Branagh in the midst of pre-production on Thor, mythology-based films may be here for a while. With this in mind, I would like to go on record with some other mythology-based projects for Hollywood to consider.

1. Jason and the Argonauts:
This was one of my favorite films when I was a child. Who can forget this classic tale of Greek soldiers searching for the Golden Fleece? The film was packed with spectacular fights and action sequences. The old claymation, however, really hasn’t stood the test of time. Featuring fantastic-looking monsters such as the harpies, skeleton warriors, and the giant living statue, this film could benefit greatly from today’s special effects.

2. The Odyssey:
Easily the greatest adventure story from Greek tradition is The Odyssey. How then has this one been botched so many times? There has never been an attempt at this film that hasn’t ended hideously. The last grandiose effort was a made-for-TV mini-series, and that was terrible. It seems like Tila Tequila could learn Stephen Hawking-level physics before someone could make a good film adaptation of this tale. I, however, will never give up hope.

3. Hercules:
Another legendary story from Greek tradition is Hercules and his many trials. This story has everything! Sadly, it falls just like the others into the category of frequently-abused stories. Besides the Kevin Sorbo TV series and a pitiful Disney animated feature, no one has really taken this project seriously. The character and his story are too fascinating to remain in this limbo. It isoverdue to see this film made right.

4. Wonder Woman:
The Greeks have been integral to cinema forever, so although we are seeing a resurgence of the source material in movie theaters, Hollywood writers need to explore “new” mythological stories. That is why in the tradition of both gods and comic book films that Hollywood adores I think it is high time for them to get behind a Wonder Woman flick. Not only is the mythology good, but it helps beef up the DC cinema bullpen which is inexplicably pitiful. Plus, how many chances do audiences really get to root for a super-sexy and bad-ass leading woman? I think this should be a no brainer.

5. Other World Mythologies:
I know this one isn’t specific, but it relates to my previous point; despite a recent surge in Greek-based tales, we need to explore other options. Consider this: have you ever seen a great film set in the ancient Egyptians’ realm of gods? How about Chinese? Besides the upcoming Thor and Beowulf, how about Norse myths? I think that Hollywood and its foreign counterparts are missing many opportunities found in these very robust story sets. Instead of another straight-to-DVD horror franchise remake, do some research, people!

If you are like me, you can’t wait for the end of the glittery-bodied, emo vampire trend. As a movie-going audience we have a chance to get inspire a new trend that is both full of interesting stories and rooted in Hollywood tradition. Nothing will better suppress Twilight and its ilk than us as a nation banding behind a new trend. Hollywood isn’t loyal to anything but the dollar! Lets use our dollars to drive the ultimate stake in the wave of faux vampires.